FaiLuRe...

weak body= sick days

sick days= frequent absences

frequent absences= missed quizzes

missed quizzes= failed grade!!!

this is so depressing... i can't believe i could be that much of a loser. i suck in everything talaga!

im sorry...

it's called KARMA baby!!! nyahahaha =))

i'm not being mean here alrighty?? hahaha.. i just felt just sooooooooooooo relieved when i heard about the news! it's like i had my vengeance accomplished and fate did it for me... i'm not as in, "rejoicing" for his suffering, but somehow, i know also for myself that i could call it quits by now.

the story is, THEY BROKE UP!

wala lang... i didn't expect it to happen 'coz the last time we talked about his girlfriend, it's like he's in the nth degree of happines, which of course irritates me. and now, they parted ways. and the thing is, they broke up last feb.14, valentine's day..the day when i felt oh so super duper happy (since he left)... galing noh? hahaha..

ohhhh.. karma, karma, karma! i couldn't help it. i even told him "ang bilis naman ng karma mo", then laughed. i didn't care how the heck he would feel... now he knows how it is to be miserable.

whew! this post is so senseless..i just don't know how to let this bursting emotions out. hahahahahhaahha!!

"what goes around, comes around"..

my way of celebrating ♥'s day, part 2 :)

ok, so this picture has nothing to do really about what i'm gonna blog about. just feel like posting this pic. (that's mady, criselda, kathrine and moi) hehe..

i just has a total of 2.5hours of sleep because my phone alarmed at 8:30am. took a bath, fixed myself up and went straight off to SM Centerpoint where i will meet a friend, vincent. i'm gonna have my class at 1:30 pm so we didn't waste any minute and went to see tom cruise's movie, valkyrie. 'twas nice, though a little boring for me 'coz i don't really have that much of an idea about adolf hitler. duh? and so after that, haha.. enteng showed me his hidden talent in dancing at quantum (dance revo) as in,para akong may kasamang bata :)). when he got tired we decided to grab something to eat at chef de angelo. i went back to school with my chocolate. yumm

i arrived late, like 2:30pm?? but it's ok 'coz it was a 3-hour class and my professor is not that harsh on his students. haha. we, again, had a little program for the professor's day celebration and ayun, it was cute. :D it was also my first time to talk to one of my classmates, ivan. i found out that he was a BSA-H student, meaning, he belonged to the honor section. he stopped 'coz he had to take care of someone in the family who got sick and so, nde na sya kasama sa H. i though he was mayabang, nde naman pala. hehe.. wala lang. i'm just happy to have a new friend. :D

after my class, i packed my bag 'coz i'll be going to my siblings' house in las piñas. my kuya manolito will take his fianceé ate cara on a valentine's date and he wants me to look after mikel cutipie. but before that, i went muna to quiapo to buy him his requested dvd's of saw and bourne series. mikel was sleeping already when i arrived. i watched dvd (what happens in vegas and enchanted) while baby sitting. it was my first time to watch those and i sooo loved it. mikel was super likot and he wakes up everytime he empties his milk bottle so i had to make one, and another one to keep him asleep. i slept beside him and with his feet on my face so that i would know if he's awake 'coz he'll just be kicking my face.what an idea huh? kuya and ate cara arrived past 2am and i went to ate's room and i slept there...until morning na yun!

whew! it was such a looooooooong day. but i was happy. unexpectingly happy.

my way of celebrating ♥'s day

i never thought that i would have a great great GREAT valentine's day.. at first, i thought that i'd be celebrating it alone, i mean, literally.

good thing, my roomies criselda and kathrine had a change of plan. they didn't watch "when i met you" movie of kc and richard (eeeww, no thanks) and mady, together with her classmates packed up early (they're shooting a movie..naks!) marah went home to laguna to celebrate the day with her family.

since all of us are single, we thought of having a "girl's night out". yey! then i remembered, there was this event of RX radio, it's a single's party at dolcè superclub in tomas morato. unluckily when we got there, super dami na ng tao and ewan ko ba, i felt awkward about the place.. i don't know if it has something to do with the past, or it's just that i don't get the feeling of belongingness.. hahaha..

so, we went off to our last resort, padi's point..again and again ang again! sick of that place already but it's better than going home. we absolutely had no choice that's why.

i once told myself that i'll limit myself from drinking, but that night was exceptional. lol! i drank a LOT! it's a barrel of beer and mady and i almost emptied it 'coz criselda and kath don't really drink that much. i was wasted! i was like dancing like crazy..don't know but at that point, i just don't care about anything..no accounting, no aecho, NO PROBLEMS! i enjoyed it so much.

i even made made my dream come true, again, literally. i dreamt about myself, singing at the bar..in front of many people. and i did! i can't believe it. maybe because i was so drunk and carefree that i did myself a favor, to do what really makes me happy..and that's singing in front of an audience. haha..

let's go back hours before the night out.. we celebrated professor's day and they forced me to sing in front of the class (thanks to criselda, my roomie and classmate). i sang "thanks to you". my classmates were all surprised to know that i could really sing. but though i delivered a "fair" performance, i know i really looked stupid at one point or another. my hands are shaking and so are my eyelids! i don't know why i have this stagefright but i know, and i hope that someday i can have much confidence with my singing. hahaha..

and now, back to what i was saying? i went up the stage and sang "if i were a boy". it really feels different singing with a live band than the usual karaoke. it was a lil difficult to follow the rhythm and melody. i even sang the backup part of the song. but later on, i managed to get the right tone. and so, to make the story short, it was an EXPERIENCE! whew!

we stayed there until 5:30am 'coz our house will open at 6.haha. and as i reached my bed, i set my alarm and i rested in peace. :))

última carta que le envié.

Odio decir esto, pero simplemente quiero que sepa que yo aún te amo tanto. Traté de controlar este sentimiento, pero los más lo hago, más estos sentimientos grito de reconocimiento. No quiero alardear de ello, pero esta es la única forma que podía realmente expresar cómo me siento en este momento. Yo sé lo que debería hacer, y que es totalmente olvide usted, porque sé que puedo avanzar nunca en mi vida si no voy a hacerlo. pero sé que el recuerdo permanezca definitivamente. no importa lo difícil que intento, que está usted todavía, el hombre que he amado con todo mi corazón.
Ahora estoy listo para seguir adelante. i va a estar bien pronto. Como he dicho, todavía te amo, pero sé que tiene que poner fin a esta locura. adiós, aecho.

you oughtta know...

i am NOT perfect! nobody is. and i hate it when people are being so vulgar in judging me without even considering what i would feel. i know they just care about me so much and they just want me to be happy. but sometimes, they're being so harsh on me. it only adds pressure and it really makes me feel worse about myself.

i know what i did was just plain stupidity, but i was happy. i know i have to suffer the consequences of my actions and i'm ready. i just wanted to have that last chance of seeing him and that's it! it would be over.

whew! i just can't have the best of both worlds. the truth is, i've never felt that happy since then. when i received his message, telling me that he wants to see me, i got petrified literally! i was stucked in my position for a moment, i can't breathe, it was so intense and i nearly puked! gosh! i've never really experienced that thing before. my roomies told me that i shouldn't go but i can't stop myself from moving towards the door. i sooooo wanted to see him, and i did.

i told my bestfriend about it. she went nuts! she was soooo mad at me. i was hurt. well, i understand why she reacted that way. she loves me and she doesn't wanna see me wasting my tears for him again. whhhhooooooohhh! dunno what to do. i can't explain my side because i know she won't fully understand.

until now, she's not texting me (because i told her..). i want to talk to her but i don't know how to approach her. i'm afraid that if we would try to talk things over, it won't resolve the problem but just worsen the situation.

timing, timing! i want to fix things between us. i love my bestfriend. she's my sister and my soulmate. i just hope she knows how sorry i am.

memories..

after posting my "letting go blog", somehow i knew that it would lessen the pain of what's happened in the past. hmmm... yeah, somehow. but there was this one timme, i can't remember the exact date, i got this call from my kuya.. he's getting back his speaker for his mp4 player. eh ayun, i can't find it. so what i did was to search over my stuffs just to find it. then, i saw..

THIS:

hmmm.. yeah, it's this can (courtesy of ate ruby).. i haven't been touching this thing since christmas vacation. this is where i put all those memorabilias. hehe.. onti lang sya pero when i opened it, everything came rushing back to me. ako pa naman yung type na detailed and memory kapag special people ang usapan.

first thing's first.. meet BASTY!

he gave me this little teddy bear as a gift for my birthday. he gave it's name kasi it's cute daw.. he even told me that he would give me another and we'll name it dimple. unluckily, dimple will never come to existence na.

heypee birthday mum!

ayayay! teary-eyed agad ako..

today's her special day. i woke up, honestly, i didn't realize it right away, that today's the 27th. as much as possible, i would really like to spend this day with a smile..for her. i want to make her proud..kahit ngayon lang.kaya lang, i don't know how on earth i could possibly do it. i haven't studied anything because i got knocked up last night. i was about to go crazy, again.. i even cried at school for no reason(well, not really for no reason), but..yeah whatever! the point is, i'm still not in the mood.. haayy.. but, hhhmm.. bahala na. i'll just do my best in school (good luck sa finaman..hate that subject!)

dear mommy,

happy birthday! i don't really know what to say exactly. i just miss you so much.. i know i wasn't a good daughter to you. i always make you mad because of my behavior. i did nothing but to give you a lot of disappointments, but despite of all my imperfections, you still loved me, supported me, cared for me unconditionally. i just want you to know that you're the best mother a child could ever have.i just wish you're still here with us but i know you're happy with where you are now. i know, i don't usually say this to you but now, i'll say it anyway.. i love you! i love you so much mommy.

"letting go" blog..^_^

for those who really know the story, MY story, they would not believe this is really happening...that, finally, i'm letting go, but at the same time, i know they're happy for me. hurray!

i've given up...at long last! i never thought i would be able to end it (my stupidity)... it's like, i woke up from a dream..i loved how it started, how i felt while i'm it, but then, i opened my eyes and i could not go back. i wanted to, and i tried. i tried HARD but i just can't, for the story has changed already..

he's not mine anymore, i even doubt if i really owned his heart. yet, i trused him so much that i have given him all my love despite of all those uncertainties. but he's not the man that i thought he was. i had very high hopes that he would be the one that i've been looking for. but i never imagined that the person i trusted would give me the greatest heartbreak ever! there came a point where i have to swallow all the pride that's left of me just to have the courage to confront him, only to find out that he has found another woman and he told me that he loves her. that time, i felt like my world has crashed in front of me...and IT REALLY DOESN'T FEEL GOOD. i don't know but at that very moment, i wanted to turn back the time and i told myself that i shouldn't have confronted him for in the first place i'm not ready to hear the answer. but it's done. all i can do is blame myself for being sooo dumb. i cried a lot. i can't imagine how miserable i was at that time. i didn't even enjoy the holidays because of him. he's everywhere! i always remember him and it's really not helping me. i know i should find a way to at least make myself feel good. i tried every options that i could get.. some of it worked but only for a short period of time and after that, im back to being me.. being a damsel in distress.. all i know is that i did my part. i did everything to make him happy, but i think everything is just not good enough to make him stay.. i don't have any choice but to let go..

so what do i have to do? i have been in this situation for like, tons of times already but i think i haven't really learned my lessons yet because until now, i still can't manage myself when it comes to this.. i always say to myself, "mind over matter!", but it just doesn't work for me.. my emotions always come in the way, giving me such a big headache! when i think of that person, sometimes i feel like i'm losing my mind.

and then, january 4, 2009..when i went back to our boarding house, something just came into my senses. i realized that i have missed a lot in my life because what i did was just waste my time in crying over spilled milk. i have my friends but i chose to be alone and carry this mess all by myself thinking that they would not be of any help because they don't fully understand my situation. i have a course to finish but what i did was just lay down and cry when i know i have to study hard for my future. i thought all the love in this world is gone for me when he left when in fact, i have my family who loves me unconditionally. i realized how selfish i was on that day. so for the last time, i cried..not because of him but because of me, for my mistakes. i have to make things right. i know it's not too late.. all i have to do is to start all over again.. and i think the best way to do it is for me to start loving myself again. i know nobody would hurt me if i won't let them.

i won't be that vulnerable anymore, at least i'll try.