for those who really know the story, MY story, they would not believe this is really happening...that, finally, i'm letting go, but at the same time, i know they're happy for me. hurray!
i've given up...at long last! i never thought i would be able to end it (my stupidity)... it's like, i woke up from a dream..i loved how it started, how i felt while i'm it, but then, i opened my eyes and i could not go back. i wanted to, and i tried. i tried HARD but i just can't, for the story has changed already..
he's not mine anymore, i even doubt if i really owned his heart. yet, i trused him so much that i have given him all my love despite of all those uncertainties. but he's not the man that i thought he was. i had very high hopes that he would be the one that i've been looking for. but i never imagined that the person i trusted would give me the greatest heartbreak ever! there came a point where i have to swallow all the pride that's left of me just to have the courage to confront him, only to find out that he has found another woman and he told me that he loves her. that time, i felt like my world has crashed in front of me...and IT REALLY DOESN'T FEEL GOOD. i don't know but at that very moment, i wanted to turn back the time and i told myself that i shouldn't have confronted him for in the first place i'm not ready to hear the answer. but it's done. all i can do is blame myself for being sooo dumb. i cried a lot. i can't imagine how miserable i was at that time. i didn't even enjoy the holidays because of him. he's everywhere! i always remember him and it's really not helping me. i know i should find a way to at least make myself feel good. i tried every options that i could get.. some of it worked but only for a short period of time and after that, im back to being me.. being a damsel in distress.. all i know is that i did my part. i did everything to make him happy, but i think everything is just not good enough to make him stay.. i don't have any choice but to let go..
so what do i have to do? i have been in this situation for like, tons of times already but i think i haven't really learned my lessons yet because until now, i still can't manage myself when it comes to this.. i always say to myself, "mind over matter!", but it just doesn't work for me.. my emotions always come in the way, giving me such a big headache! when i think of that person, sometimes i feel like i'm losing my mind.
and then, january 4, 2009..when i went back to our boarding house, something just came into my senses. i realized that i have missed a lot in my life because what i did was just waste my time in crying over spilled milk. i have my friends but i chose to be alone and carry this mess all by myself thinking that they would not be of any help because they don't fully understand my situation. i have a course to finish but what i did was just lay down and cry when i know i have to study hard for my future. i thought all the love in this world is gone for me when he left when in fact, i have my family who loves me unconditionally. i realized how selfish i was on that day. so for the last time, i cried..not because of him but because of me, for my mistakes. i have to make things right. i know it's not too late.. all i have to do is to start all over again.. and i think the best way to do it is for me to start loving myself again. i know nobody would hurt me if i won't let them.
i won't be that vulnerable anymore, at least i'll try.
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