memories..

after posting my "letting go blog", somehow i knew that it would lessen the pain of what's happened in the past. hmmm... yeah, somehow. but there was this one timme, i can't remember the exact date, i got this call from my kuya.. he's getting back his speaker for his mp4 player. eh ayun, i can't find it. so what i did was to search over my stuffs just to find it. then, i saw..

THIS:

hmmm.. yeah, it's this can (courtesy of ate ruby).. i haven't been touching this thing since christmas vacation. this is where i put all those memorabilias. hehe.. onti lang sya pero when i opened it, everything came rushing back to me. ako pa naman yung type na detailed and memory kapag special people ang usapan.

first thing's first.. meet BASTY!

he gave me this little teddy bear as a gift for my birthday. he gave it's name kasi it's cute daw.. he even told me that he would give me another and we'll name it dimple. unluckily, dimple will never come to existence na.

heypee birthday mum!

ayayay! teary-eyed agad ako..

today's her special day. i woke up, honestly, i didn't realize it right away, that today's the 27th. as much as possible, i would really like to spend this day with a smile..for her. i want to make her proud..kahit ngayon lang.kaya lang, i don't know how on earth i could possibly do it. i haven't studied anything because i got knocked up last night. i was about to go crazy, again.. i even cried at school for no reason(well, not really for no reason), but..yeah whatever! the point is, i'm still not in the mood.. haayy.. but, hhhmm.. bahala na. i'll just do my best in school (good luck sa finaman..hate that subject!)

dear mommy,

happy birthday! i don't really know what to say exactly. i just miss you so much.. i know i wasn't a good daughter to you. i always make you mad because of my behavior. i did nothing but to give you a lot of disappointments, but despite of all my imperfections, you still loved me, supported me, cared for me unconditionally. i just want you to know that you're the best mother a child could ever have.i just wish you're still here with us but i know you're happy with where you are now. i know, i don't usually say this to you but now, i'll say it anyway.. i love you! i love you so much mommy.

"letting go" blog..^_^

for those who really know the story, MY story, they would not believe this is really happening...that, finally, i'm letting go, but at the same time, i know they're happy for me. hurray!

i've given up...at long last! i never thought i would be able to end it (my stupidity)... it's like, i woke up from a dream..i loved how it started, how i felt while i'm it, but then, i opened my eyes and i could not go back. i wanted to, and i tried. i tried HARD but i just can't, for the story has changed already..

he's not mine anymore, i even doubt if i really owned his heart. yet, i trused him so much that i have given him all my love despite of all those uncertainties. but he's not the man that i thought he was. i had very high hopes that he would be the one that i've been looking for. but i never imagined that the person i trusted would give me the greatest heartbreak ever! there came a point where i have to swallow all the pride that's left of me just to have the courage to confront him, only to find out that he has found another woman and he told me that he loves her. that time, i felt like my world has crashed in front of me...and IT REALLY DOESN'T FEEL GOOD. i don't know but at that very moment, i wanted to turn back the time and i told myself that i shouldn't have confronted him for in the first place i'm not ready to hear the answer. but it's done. all i can do is blame myself for being sooo dumb. i cried a lot. i can't imagine how miserable i was at that time. i didn't even enjoy the holidays because of him. he's everywhere! i always remember him and it's really not helping me. i know i should find a way to at least make myself feel good. i tried every options that i could get.. some of it worked but only for a short period of time and after that, im back to being me.. being a damsel in distress.. all i know is that i did my part. i did everything to make him happy, but i think everything is just not good enough to make him stay.. i don't have any choice but to let go..

so what do i have to do? i have been in this situation for like, tons of times already but i think i haven't really learned my lessons yet because until now, i still can't manage myself when it comes to this.. i always say to myself, "mind over matter!", but it just doesn't work for me.. my emotions always come in the way, giving me such a big headache! when i think of that person, sometimes i feel like i'm losing my mind.

and then, january 4, 2009..when i went back to our boarding house, something just came into my senses. i realized that i have missed a lot in my life because what i did was just waste my time in crying over spilled milk. i have my friends but i chose to be alone and carry this mess all by myself thinking that they would not be of any help because they don't fully understand my situation. i have a course to finish but what i did was just lay down and cry when i know i have to study hard for my future. i thought all the love in this world is gone for me when he left when in fact, i have my family who loves me unconditionally. i realized how selfish i was on that day. so for the last time, i cried..not because of him but because of me, for my mistakes. i have to make things right. i know it's not too late.. all i have to do is to start all over again.. and i think the best way to do it is for me to start loving myself again. i know nobody would hurt me if i won't let them.

i won't be that vulnerable anymore, at least i'll try.